For some strange reason I have totally abandoned my poor little bloggette. I guess it might be a girl blog since I am a girl but I am not sure if I want to put a gender on anything because maybe it’s a boy and I just offended all of it’s poor dear feelings. Oh, well. If it’s truly mine I can call it what I want when I want to.
I’m going to get to business on here and call it like it is. I have been suffering from some sort of depression/anxiety of sorts for a while now and I have been taking it hard. Usually I like to be with people and talk to folks and interact pretty frequently. SOmetimes in person, sometimes on the phone, sometimes in mail or emailed messages. I haven’t been up to doing a lot of that lately. I have even been having a hard time fulfilling other obligations in my community.
My family isn’t suffering too terribly from it yet. At least that is what I tell myself when I am willing my body to relax and my mind to rest so I can sleep.
I work really hard at being a good person. I try to be a loyal and compassionate friend. I try looking out for others and at the end of the day I am usually pretty happy with what I do. Lately I have been over burdened with feelings that make me want to hide in a fort and eat nothing that can’t be eaten without not cooking it first. I don’t even want to go to get the fast food junk because I would have to be with people and people are scary right now.
There are a few friends that I can be around fairly comfortably but even they who usually make me feel lighter after being around them are starting to make it me feel like I’ve just spent a looooooong day at the beach and I can’t get all of the sand out of my cracks.
I’m tired and need a shower and somehow am sun burned even with all of the sunblock I’ve used.
Things I think about doing are:
- Going for long drives
- Reading books outside
- Going out to the beach and walking around the water at night
- Painting pictures
- Writing in this blog
- Lots of other things
The first three things are things that I would like to do out of the house but the thought of getting on the road in the area I live in is almost enough to make me have a panic attack anyway. I live the D.C. metro area. This place is HORRIBLE to drive in. Of course getting out of the area is a nice thought but you still have to DRIVE through it to get OUT of it. Not a nice thought.
The second thing on the list is doable. The only problem is that for me there is absolutely no privacy in my area. SO, if I am outside so are others and let’s face it, I don’t want to see anyone else right now. It’s enough to know that you are there but to have to actually look at you and interact with you is almost too much.
That brings us to number three. I would love to do that. It’s less crowded at night and there aren’t as many if and people there to bother me. I’d still have to drive in this area but it would be night time and that means less people on the roads too. Great. But what about that family I have?? My husband is home sleeping all day long and working all night. The other family members (my kids who I don’t really talk about here) are either in school or home or sleeping too. I can’t leave anyone alone. I don’t want to get a babysitter during the day because my husband is sleeping and that would be super weird. I don’t want to get one at night because I should also be trying to sleep because who has to be home all day with awake kids? It’s me.
It might seem like I am just throwing my options away before I even have considered all of the possibilities but I promise you that I would do these things if my brain would stop stopping me from doing them. I have a lot of interests and talents that feel like they are being blocked. It’s driving me nuts and I can’t seem to stop myself from feeling these feelings. I’ve tried to reach out and talk to someone outside of my friends and family but I didn’t hear anything new and because of the situation I’m in it always had to be a different person. How can so many different people have the same things to say? I mean I already heard them from myself and thought I could use an outside opinion to get some fresh variety but even that isn’t working out.
I guess I need to to be finished for now. I have to say that even writing it all out doesn’t seem to be enough today. Thanks for you being there to listen though.