I have what one might call chronic procrastination. OK, I call it that. Probably my friends and family call it that too but I don’t ask them because it’s not their business how I spend my time. Because of this chronic disease, I can self diagnose because I’m a doctor of creativity, I put off a lot of stuff.

Stuff can be defined as the things I don’t want to do.

There are days that I am struggling to actualize the thoughts I have in my head. The creative stuff (loosely used here as things I want to do but I don’t) because my brain is too busy doing stuff I don’t like.

Here is a list:

  1.  Cleaning
  2. thinking about cleaning
  3. doing the cleaning
  4. watching the shows
  5. thinking about the things I should be doing instead of cleaning
  6. listing lists about stuff

 

The list could have been longer but I don’t even want to do that.

So here we are together or alone. I don’t know what you have going on in your personal life. Either way I am writing and you are reading what I write.

I decided to try to get back to that creative stuff I used to take time for. I need to have a focused time to do it and I don’t need to procrastinate. I need to do it because frankly when I don’t do it I’m miserable and lonely feeling. I am empty and I start wanting to do things that are scary.

The scary things can be self destructive.

I have always had a wild side and because of that I have lived a lot of life. I have seen things and braved worlds that could make it to at least a made for T.V. movie about a crazy girl who does bad things.  (I won’t go into those things because I like being dramatic and if I shared then it would seem like I’m giving you everything today. Plus, it makes me want to be more wild…)

So maybe I’m going to make this my work. We’ll see.

 

 

Alright, you caught me. It’s been over a year. Math isn’t a  very strong point for me. Neither is my pointer finger. Since we are on the subject of points I’d like to point out that I am just on the cusp of nothing. Really. You’d think after all this time being away I’d have a lot to show for it but it seems that I don’t. I have nothing.

What makes things even more difficult for me is that I can’t seem to get away from it either. The nothingness have been pulling me in for some time now. It’s not that there is a void that can’t be filled. It is that I am so unsure what to fill it with. I have often considered doing some volunteer work to help pass the time but in the end it seems to me that even THAT won’t be the filler.

I know that I have value and that I am making a difference in peoples lives but is it enough? In this time of life that I am NOT calling a midlife crisis, because I’m pretty sure my body wants to live for way longer than 68 years, I am still searching for something. The only thing that I keep coming back to fairly consistently is travel.

I feel stuck in the same place and as much as I want to go funds, time, and children are always there. I like those kids, and I promise myself I will not talk about my kids too much because this isn’t about them, but how do I get out there. How can I get out there and be with them?

Have you ever been here. In this spot. Have you ever been wondering where to go and what to do? How did you make the change? How did you challenge yourself?

The anticipation of reading this page should be at an all time high. I don’t know how long it’s been and I’m not ever sure how long it will be be til the next one. That, ladies and gentlemen, is called MAGIC!

Nope, really it’s called being lazy but it’s always well meaning.

So, to begin again I want to say that I have made big changes in my life. One major change being a move to another state in another town and even in another county. Those things are all our of order but so has this blog been. Completely out of order and in danger of being completely forgotten. To make matters worse I have to acknowledge the facts. The facts are that I can not complete one solitary thing.  The facts are that in my desperation to make things happen I get all crazy and wonder why I can’t keep to the facts.

I was far from quitting this blog. I joked with myself that I couldn’t be so many things. I thought for sure that quitting would be a thing of the past. I realized that sometimes being a quitter can be good. I wanted to create and be passionate about a thing. Even one thing. ONE. I searched and searched for my thing. I saw all the possibilities and was inspired!

I came to the conclusion that you don’t have to be good at any THING. I could be good at some THING. The thing that I am good at is trying.

It’s kind of strange to think that not achieving something is still good. I can see that failure isn’t a sad thing or a bad thing. Trying and failing is infinitely better than never. Never doing. Never seeing. Never working.

Maybe in the end you tried and failed but you created something in that moment and that is still some THING.

I am constantly trying to get myself organized into someone that I want to be. Instead of trying to rationalize myself and fit myself into someone why not just try being who I really want to be? The person I want to live for?

Every day I am afraid of not being enough, not for others and not for the world, but just for me. I am afraid of my success. I am afraid of never living a life that is full of wonder and excitement. I make myself so full of worries that I can’t enjoy the wonders that I have to offer. I can’t get the words out to you and be bold enough to allow myself to awe inspired by my own self.

I have more than a little something to offer myself. I am joy and beauty. I am rapturous wonder. I am life full of fun and fantastic.  I am kindness and love.

 

Some days I learn a lot about who I am and who I am going to be. Today I am not going to be scared anymore to be the most real person I can be.

Maybe writers are more articulate than I am. I haven’t quite found my pace. I have tried to do writing exercises to increase my creativity but it seems to me that the best time I get creative is when I am playing.

Let me elaborate.

 

I play pretend with my friends. I can’t be funny here because you aren’t here to talk to me. Maybe I will eat all the buttons I have in my home. Maybe I will chuck tinned foods at my children. Maybe I will pretend I can sing opera to catchy rap tunes. Maybe you want to give me an idea and I will go withthat one?

 

I’ve been taking a lot of time to reflect on things that make me happy and things that I want to accomplish. I sometimes think this could be one of those things but I peter out of ideas when I am not near a friend to play iwth. Maybe you guys are my muses??

I think that this will be all for tonight. Sometimes less is more. Sometimes less is just what it says.

Good news folks. I am feeling much better than the last time I posted here. I was a mess. Maybe I wasn’t as bad I as I felt I was but trust me, it wasn’t good.

 

Special shout out to Christine and Autumn for helping me keep it together. Both of you guys are AMAZING! I know I picked you two gals for a good reason.

 

So here I am again trying to keep up with the blog. I guess as long as I come back every now and then it should be good, right? I’m curious to know if there is anything in general you guys like to see when I’m writing. It’s not that I don’t have plenty to say, of course, I always have something to talk about. I was just wondering if there was something you don’t know about me or another subject that I might know more about that you would like to know about too. I could write about a movie or books or clouds or even birds. Obviously I know that they love titles. Birds do anyway. I bet you didn’t even know they could read. They might be more prone to read more things if the title was good. Good title more bird reading.

 

I believe that will be all for today. I’m tired from my nap yesterday. Late naps in the day make you stay up all night. Then you have to wake up early the next day and stay up all day in order to get back on a good sleep schedule and that is tiring.

For some strange reason I have totally abandoned my poor little bloggette. I guess it might be a girl blog since I am a girl but I am not sure if I want to put a gender on anything because maybe it’s a boy and I just offended all of it’s poor dear feelings. Oh, well. If it’s truly mine I can call it what I want when I want to.

I’m going to get to business on here and call it like it is. I have been suffering from some sort of depression/anxiety of sorts for a while now and I have been taking it hard. Usually I like to be with people and talk to folks and interact pretty frequently. SOmetimes in person, sometimes on the phone, sometimes in mail or emailed messages. I haven’t been up to doing a lot of that lately. I have even been having a hard time fulfilling other obligations in my community.

My family isn’t suffering too terribly from it yet. At least that is what I tell myself when I am willing my body to relax and my mind to rest so I can sleep. 

I work really hard at being a good person. I try to be a loyal and compassionate friend. I try looking out for others and at the end of the day I am usually pretty happy with what I do. Lately I have been over burdened with feelings that make me want to hide in a fort and eat nothing that can’t be eaten without not cooking it first. I don’t even want to go to get the fast food junk because I would have to be with people and people are scary right now.

There are a few friends that I can be around fairly comfortably but even they who usually make me feel lighter after being around them are starting to make it me feel like I’ve just spent a looooooong day at the beach and I can’t get all of the sand out of my cracks.

I’m tired and need a shower and somehow am sun burned even with all of the sunblock I’ve used.

Things I think about doing are:

  1. Going for long drives
  2. Reading books outside 
  3. Going out to the beach and walking around the water at night
  4. Painting pictures
  5. Writing in this blog
  6. Lots of other things

The first three things are things that I would like to do out of the house but the thought of getting on the road in the area I live in is almost enough to make me have a panic attack anyway. I live the D.C. metro area. This place is HORRIBLE to drive in. Of course getting out of the area is a nice thought but you still have to DRIVE through it to get OUT of it. Not a nice thought.

The second thing on the list is doable. The only problem is that for me there is absolutely no privacy in my area. SO, if I am outside so are others and let’s face it, I don’t want to see anyone else right now. It’s enough to know that you are there but to have to actually look at you and interact with you is almost too much.

That brings us to number three. I would love to do that. It’s less crowded at night and there aren’t as many if and people there to bother me. I’d still have to drive in this area but it would be night time and that means less people on the roads too. Great. But what about that family I have?? My husband is home sleeping all day long and working all night. The other family members (my kids who I don’t really talk about here) are either in school or home or sleeping too. I can’t leave anyone alone. I don’t want to get a babysitter during the day because my husband is sleeping and that would be super weird. I don’t want to get one at night because I should also be trying to sleep because who has to be home all day with awake kids? It’s me.

It might seem like I am just throwing my options away before I even have considered all of the possibilities but I promise you that I would do these things if my brain would stop stopping me from doing them. I have a lot of interests and talents that feel like they are being blocked. It’s driving me nuts and I can’t seem to stop myself from feeling these feelings. I’ve tried to reach out and talk to someone outside of my friends and family but I didn’t hear anything new and because of the situation I’m in it always had to be a different person. How can so many different people have the same things to say? I mean I already heard them from myself and thought I could use an outside opinion to get some fresh variety but even that isn’t working out.

I guess I need to to be finished for now. I have to say that even writing it all out doesn’t seem to be enough today. Thanks for you being there to listen though.

I almost didn’t make my writing goal this week. I was in danger folks! 

 

Here is the deal. I am not usually a big time complainer and I know only complainers say that. Today i will complain. A LOT. A little lot. So if you don’t want to hear any of my complaints wait until I post again. It might be more worth your time.

I’m sick in my body and I’m sick on my soul.

Allergies are in full effect and my face feels like a balloon inflating and I have more gunk coming out of my nose than tissues can hold.

My soul is sick because of my efforts at friendship. I have tried so many times to be a good friend to people but it seems like some of the ones I choose don’t want me back. That is mostly okay because I have a couple of handfuls of  REALLY REALLY awesome friends who are the way I enjoy my friends to be. Loyal and to feed me food. Can’t hurt to be fed folks.

The rest of my friends who aren’t in the handfuls of awesome friends are still extremely loyal and feed me too. This is what is important to me. Likewise, I do the same for them. For me, it is easy to be a good friend. I even feel like to think it is a talent that I have. I know that it’s a little difficult to get used to me at first because I am also a super honest friend. So maybe friends who leave are the ones who can’t handle my honesty. I’m not even brutally honest. I used to be and now I’ve even learned some tact . Well, I’m mostly tactful.

The big point is that I have been trying even harder than ever to not get disappointed when a friend decides they don’t want to be close (or closer). One thing that I still find really hard is when they outright dismiss me. It hurts me. I care about all of my friends so much. I think about every single one of them pretty regularly. I’m constantly trying to figure out a way to better our friendship and try to help them with whatever they need. I really put myself out there for them. If you are a friend of mine and you ever feel like I have done something that is irreversibly bad and there is no point in our friendship or if you are just not that interested in knowing me anymore please just let me know. I still might have a hurt feeling or two but I won’t have any ill feelings for you. YOu were my friend after all. And I love every one of you. 

A new school year has already started. Many romantic downfalls have occured. The most major heartbreak was with Raul Rovollo. He is like nothing I have ever seen. Almost a god. Maybe my sarcism  is exceeding but I regret never going out with him. reason 1: He and I are destined to be. But like so many tradgedies, there is always something, someone trying to stop it. Reason 2: My timing is dreadfully off. By days in fact. Sometimes I even wonder why I even bother trying to date. I mean all my love is waiting to be claimed but no one is sending any claim notices. More like return to senders. Or maybe I’m just fooling myself thinking I have an ounce of luck, romantically speaking. man, I hate for whoever may read this in the future to think all my life was dramatically meloncholly. I actually enjoy half of my life. While I sit and ponder, I shall leave. Until tomorrow. Maybe. I  hope.

I don’t really have too much of a purpose for writing today. I just wanted to try to keep up with my goal of writing more. I have a lot of ideas for fun things to do with writing. I thought about getting Dragon Naturally Speaking to help with this. I’m still unsure how it will work out. Maybe if I could get a free trial before sinking money into it it would work out better for me.

If you are one of my few loyal readers I appreciate you more than I can say. It’s not that I ever meant to be a great followed blogger I just want to be heard. You hear me.

Next post will have my good ol’ Old School writings. It’s going to be pretty hilarious. I just read over it and let’s just say that the dramatics went from a 9 to OVER 9000